Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the ‘Chronic Offenders’ category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company’s mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management
Here are some pictures I received via email about “just before the pain”. Enjoy. (Clicking on the pic will give you a larger version of the pic in most cases.) I don’t know the source of these pics so if anyone has info, feel free to leave a comment. thanks!
Ouch! That’s going to leave a mark.
The funniest thing to me is the mom just eating, basically oblivious to the bat coming her way!
It almost looks like he’s trying to crash gracefully.
How does this even happen?
When he’s older talking to his grandkids: “Did I tell you about the time I had a bull’s horn inside my leg?”
I told him to get out of my way.
I’m thinking bulls can’t swim so this guy might be okay.
Ouch! Can someone get me a new jaw?
Did I tell you that I relly do like RED?
No comment!
I got this in an email the other day. According to the email this is how Chinese negotiators do business. If you ask me, it seems quite efficient.
Demands of Kidnapper & Chinese Release Negotiations
“I have 3 demands or I’ll kill the boy!”
Negotiators assess the situation from next door.
Head Negotiator dispatched
Negotiations begin
Negotiations concluded
Any Questions?
In this country, we would block off the street, keep a few dozen police standing around, take 12 hours to talk him out of it, spend $5 million giving him a fair trial, and pay his food and lodging for life, no wonder their products are cheaper than ours!
I found this picture the other day and you really have to wonder a few things:
1. Why doesn’t this guy just stop the race?
2. Maybe he doesn’t stop the race because he is too far from the finish line and he might just figure, “Hey, I’ve got to get to my car anyway and it’s 13 miles away so I may as well finish…”. I doubt someone’s going to give him a ride home.
3. Couldn’t he just stop at one of those water tables and use about 100 cups of the water to clean off a little?
